Hello, Aldiss here. Or should I say ‘bonjour’, ‘hi’, ‘guten tag’? Sorry, don’t know many other languages. Anyway, today is the first post of the Aldiss and Bertie Blog Show. What do you mean, Bertie, that that is not right?  I thought that’s what we would call it. You did agree to it, shall I get the minutes you made me write of the meeting we had last week to discuss it? Fine then.

Anyway, if Bertie would just shut up for a minute and stop trying to type while I’m typing (that’s a not-so-subtle hint at you Bertie), I can get on. For this first edition of the Aldiss and Bertie Blog Show, I am going to share a written up version of a great interview I did with Bertie. We thought we would do each other for fun plus it let’s you get to know us both better. So here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

Introduction: Hello, this is Aldiss Drinkwater, rat extraordinaire, with our first celebrity interview with my friend and yours, Bertie Fluke.

Aldiss (A) – Hello Bertie. What is your favourite feather?

Bertie (B)  – What? What are you asking that for? Are you daft? That’s like me asking what’s your favourite whisker!

A – The third one along on the lefthandside, if you want to know. It’s particularly magnificent.

B (pause) – Are you kidding me? Just ask me another question, stupid rat.

A – Hoi, that’s hurtful. You promised you’d be nice to me.

B – I am being nice, I’m not smacking you over the head with my wing am I? Ask the next question.

A – Okay. What is your favourite drink?

B – Well, I really like a small glass of apple juice, but I really like a nice cup of tea. With a small biscuit.

A – Right. Question three – if you were stuck in a dungeon with three other people who would they be?

B – Hmmm, that’s a hard one. Well, I would have to say Morag…

A – Yes?

B – Montgomery…

A – Yeesss?

B – And Shona!

A – What? What about me? I thought I was your best friend? Why aren’t I there? And what about Henry? Didn’t you want him there too?

B – You said only three people.

A – Yes, but I expected that I would be the first person you would choose. You would be my first person. I’m all hurt now.

B – No,  you’re right. I want to change my answer.

A – It’s too late now. I know where I stand with you. I am not one of your top three people.

B – You are my best friend, Aldiss, honestly. It’s just that Morag, Montgomery and Shona would be more useful…for getting us out of the dungeon.

A – But I can do magic.

B – No you can’t. Not really. How many times have you done magic and it’s gone wrong?

A – Every time.

B – Exactly. Anyway, I am changing my answer. You would be my first choice because you would make sure I wasn’t feeling sad in the dungeon. Then I would have Morag, because she is a princess, and Montgomery because he is a warlock. What’s the next question?

A – Let me have a look at my list. Hmmm…no I don’t want to ask that one now, nor that one or that one. Bertie?

B – Mmmm?

A – Do you think we could stop now and go and get a pastry at Bebe Bruce’s Wonder Bakery? I’m hungry. Listen…my tummy is rumbling. I heard she’s doing fresh custard Danish pastries…my favourite.

B – Every cake and pastry is your favourite, Aldiss. Do you not think the readers of the blog will want to know more about me?

A – Nope.

B – Oh, okay then. Let’s end it here. Do you think there will be donuts as well?

A – Probably. And tarts, cinnamon buns and cream cakes and…ooh my mouth is watering just thinking about it!