The Bertie and Aldiss blog – Closed for the Holidays

Bertie and Aldiss have gone on a fishing holiday to Murst with their very good friends, Morag and Shona. Unfortunately, they failed to leave a blog post for today.

Aldiss, however, did leave these funny dog videos for you to see:

The Aldiss and Bertie Show – Aldiss’ Thoughts on Life

Hello, Aldiss here. Today I am going to give you my thoughts on what makes a good life.

They are:

  1. Smile as often as you can.
  2. Eat healthy food.
  3. But also have a little bit of cake every now and again.
  4. Sleep well.
  5. Be kind (even to cats – I don’t like cats, they keep trying to eat me!).
  6. Listen to music.
  7. Dance.
  8. Laugh out loud and enjoy life.

Until I do my next post!

Aldiss xx

Bertie and Aldiss – In Which Bertie Discusses his Favourite Hobby

Hello everyone, Bertie here and today I am going to talk about my most favourite hobby of all and that is collecting old maps. I am a cartophile, a lover of maps, and I have quite a large collection of maps from both the magical world and that of man.

If you are wondering where Aldiss is, he’s at his Zumba class with his current girlfriend, a guinea pig called Heather.

Anyway on to maps, I thought I would show you a few of my favourites. The first one (above) is of the United States of America and it just shows you how enormous that country is. I hope to one day visit, but for now I have to make do with my map.

Below is a strange map I found in the attic of an old sea captain. He said he thought it was somewhere in South America, but couldn’t remember how or where he got it. I swapped a ball of Edam cheese for it. He got a great bargain there!

And finally, here’s a picture of one of my 20 world globes that I have in my house underneath the tree.

This I my favourite one and the map you are looking at is one of South America. I have some family living in Patagonia on the very tip of that continent. I may go and visit them some day.

I hope you have enjoyed today’s post. Next week Aldiss has promised to write something very funny. As Aldiss isn’t really that funny at any time, I think you should brace yourselves for the possibility that it will in fact NOT be funny.

Goodbye until the next time I have this post all to myself.

Bertie xxx

The Aldiss and Bertie Show : Favourite Cheeses

aldiss the rat

Hi, Aldiss here and this week I want to talk to you about cheese. Cheese is one of my favourite foods and something I’m a bit of an expert in. I just love it. Here are a few of my favourite cheeses:

  1. Marnoch Mor Cheddar – this is a strong cheddar, pale blue in colour with a tangy taste. It’s best used in yummy macaroni cheese, but I also like it on toast or a nice oatcake, especially the ones my mum makes herself.
  2. Marnoch Mor Green – yes, green cheese does exist and Marnoch Mor Green is my very favourite. It’s particularly good Grubar berries and a nice glass of pink lemonade.
  3. If you are looking for a good cream cheese, I can recommend Murst’s own brand. It’s simply delicious.
  4. I also like human cheeses. There’s a cheese shop in Glasgow that I sometimes visit with my witch friend, Lunette. She looks human so hides me in her bag whilst we are in the shop and I whisper her my instructions as to what I like and what I want to buy. She’s very good and we’ve bought some scrumptious cheese from there.



Right I am going to finish up the Aldiss and Bertie show here and press publish. Oh-oh here comes Bertie.

B – Aldiss what are you doing? I thought we were going to do this post together?

A – We were so I got started.

B – But we agreed it was going to be about my long family history in Marnoch Mor.

A – I didn’t agree to that.

B – Yes you did.

A – I didn’t. I would never have agreed to anything so boring.

B – Boring? I’ll have you know there have been Flukes in this town since it was established hundreds of years ago.

A – Were they all as boring as you?

B – What? My family tree is fascinating.

A – I know. I have been there, although I wouldn’t say it was fascinating, just a good place to live.

B – What?

A -What?

B – Never mind. Delete all that and I’ll type in my family history.

A – Hmmm I don’t think anyone’s interested.

B – They will be. I promise.

A – No. I don’t think so.

B – Well it’s what we agreed would be put in the Bertie and Aldiss Show this week.

A – Aldiss and Bertie Show.

B – What? Oh never mind. Move over so I can get on the laptop. What are you doing Aldiss? No don’t touch the publish button. Aldiss! Nooooo!”


The Bertie and Aldiss Blog Show – Interview with Aldiss the rat

Hello and welcome to the Bertie and Aldiss Blog Show. I thought I would post this up quickly before Aldiss got home from his Zumba class. He interrupts terribly you see. I can’t get a word in edgeways sometimes and I’m the 1983 Murst Champion Squawker – an award I won four times in a row for excellent ability in talking! Anyway, I digress. The post this week is all about Aldiss. I did a question and answer session with him yesterday. It took me three hours to get straight answers from him…he is terrible at going off on a tangent. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this.

Bertie (B): How old are you?

Aldiss (A): I don’t know.

B: How do you not know?

A: I can’t remember being born and my mother never told me. She has so many children you see, it was hard for her to remember who was born when. She has a hard time remembering all our names so I’m not surprised she can’t remember our real birthdays. We have just one birthday that we all celebrate and that is on the first of June.

B: Why the first of June?

A: Because it’s summertime and the weather might be a bit better.

B: And how many brothers and sisters do you have?

A: Living in Murst? Or all of them?

B: All of them.

A: Um…at the last count it was three hundred and 76.

B: What? How many?

A: 376.

B: And they all live in Murst?

A: No, some of them moved down to some of the human cities.

B: How many are in Murst?

A: I think it’s 293, but you’d have to ask mum.

B: There are nearly 300 rats living in Murst! I can’t believe that! It’s so many.

A: No, of course there aren’t 300 rats living in Murst.

B: Phew. Thank goodness for that.

A: No there are far more than that. Thousands more.  But don’t worry, most of them are as lovely and great as me.

B (sarcastically): Oh, that’s a relief then! Moving on. What is your favourite cheese?

A: Oh that’s a hard one. I really like the really smelly cheeses, but for taste I would have to say a nice Cheddar. Yummy.

B: What’s your favourite hobby?

A: I’ve just taken up belly dancing and fencing and I love both of them. However, I would have to say that knitting and collecting leaves are my favourite hobbies.

B: Quite! Last question, if you were shut up in a dungeon, who would be the three people you would want there with you?

A: Hmmm…well, you, of course, because we are best friends and you have your satchel to keep us in food and drink. Shona because she can breathe fire and keep us warm. Henry because he is so funny and could magic us out of there.

B: Aldiss G Drinkwater, thank you for the interview.

A: Thank you Bertie, I mean…Albert Alonzo Fluke.


Aldiss and Bertie rule the world!

Aldiss Drinkwater, rat extraordinaire!

Hello, Aldiss here. Or should I say ‘bonjour’, ‘hi’, ‘guten tag’? Sorry, don’t know many other languages. Anyway, today is the first post of the Aldiss and Bertie Blog Show. What do you mean, Bertie, that that is not right?  I thought that’s what we would call it. You did agree to it, shall I get the minutes you made me write of the meeting we had last week to discuss it? Fine then.

Anyway, if Bertie would just shut up for a minute and stop trying to type while I’m typing (that’s a not-so-subtle hint at you Bertie), I can get on. For this first edition of the Aldiss and Bertie Blog Show, I am going to share a written up version of a great interview I did with Bertie. We thought we would do each other for fun plus it let’s you get to know us both better. So here it is. I hope you enjoy it.

Introduction: Hello, this is Aldiss Drinkwater, rat extraordinaire, with our first celebrity interview with my friend and yours, Bertie Fluke.

Aldiss (A) – Hello Bertie. What is your favourite feather?

Bertie (B)  – What? What are you asking that for? Are you daft? That’s like me asking what’s your favourite whisker!

A – The third one along on the lefthandside, if you want to know. It’s particularly magnificent.

B (pause) – Are you kidding me? Just ask me another question, stupid rat.

A – Hoi, that’s hurtful. You promised you’d be nice to me.

B – I am being nice, I’m not smacking you over the head with my wing am I? Ask the next question.

A – Okay. What is your favourite drink?

B – Well, I really like a small glass of apple juice, but I really like a nice cup of tea. With a small biscuit.

A – Right. Question three – if you were stuck in a dungeon with three other people who would they be?

B – Hmmm, that’s a hard one. Well, I would have to say Morag…

A – Yes?

B – Montgomery…

A – Yeesss?

B – And Shona!

A – What? What about me? I thought I was your best friend? Why aren’t I there? And what about Henry? Didn’t you want him there too?

B – You said only three people.

A – Yes, but I expected that I would be the first person you would choose. You would be my first person. I’m all hurt now.

B – No,  you’re right. I want to change my answer.

A – It’s too late now. I know where I stand with you. I am not one of your top three people.

B – You are my best friend, Aldiss, honestly. It’s just that Morag, Montgomery and Shona would be more useful…for getting us out of the dungeon.

A – But I can do magic.

B – No you can’t. Not really. How many times have you done magic and it’s gone wrong?

A – Every time.

B – Exactly. Anyway, I am changing my answer. You would be my first choice because you would make sure I wasn’t feeling sad in the dungeon. Then I would have Morag, because she is a princess, and Montgomery because he is a warlock. What’s the next question?

A – Let me have a look at my list. Hmmm…no I don’t want to ask that one now, nor that one or that one. Bertie?

B – Mmmm?

A – Do you think we could stop now and go and get a pastry at Bebe Bruce’s Wonder Bakery? I’m hungry. Listen…my tummy is rumbling. I heard she’s doing fresh custard Danish pastries…my favourite.

B – Every cake and pastry is your favourite, Aldiss. Do you not think the readers of the blog will want to know more about me?

A – Nope.

B – Oh, okay then. Let’s end it here. Do you think there will be donuts as well?

A – Probably. And tarts, cinnamon buns and cream cakes and…ooh my mouth is watering just thinking about it!


The Cinnamon Buns that Bertie ordered from the bakery.



Blog surrender – you have been warned!

Okay, so you know how this blog was originally set up to link in with my DarkIsle books (hence the name!) and over the last few years I’ve barely mentioned the aforementioned books? Well, that’s going to change a little bit…okay Aldiss, I’ll tell them…Aldiss wants me to tell you it’s going to change a big bit.

Aldiss, give me a minute, I am just telling them!

What I am trying to say (but being rudely interrupted) is that Bertie and Aldiss have requested…no, that’s not the right word…demanded that they have a day each week to talk about Murst and what’s been happening with them, Morag, Montgomery and Shona since the last book was published. (I am telling them Aldiss, shhhhh!) They said that the blog was boring and that nobody wanted to know what a boring author was saying about her boring life (cheek!), so they wanted a chance to make it better.

So, starting tomorrow, for the next few Mondays. No, Aldiss, I will not promise it will happen forever more. Why? Well because you two have the attention spans of gnats and I don’t see you keeping this up. Okay, okay, we will see and I’m sure you’ll do it. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, it’s starting tomorrow.

Oh, Aldiss wants me to put a couple of pictures of himself and Bertie in this post. Where is Bertie, Aldiss? I thought I said he had to be here to get his photo taken? Where is he? What’s he doing in Edinburgh? Oh, visiting his Aunt Matilda. Okay, so it’ll just have to be you. Okay, okay, I will put up the baby pic first.

Here is Aldiss as a baby…

Aldiss as a baby. Sorry, I have been corrected: Aldiss as a cute baby.

And here’s one of him now in one of his favourite places: the bins round the back of Beba Bruce’s Wonder Bakery in Murst:

Can I go now? No? Alright, I’ll put in a drawing of Bertie instead. Is this one you drew? Yes? I don’t think so Aldiss. Someone is telling porkie pies! Anyway, here is a rather charming picture of Bertie:

Can I now tell them about what’s been happening at my house this week? Yes? Thank you. Yes, goodbye Aldiss, see you later.

Phew, he’s away now. Actually, he’s not wrong about my life being a bit boring lately. I have been working hard on my new book for adults and I’ve been outside working on the garden, which was badly needing some work done on it! Still reading Stephen King’s The Gunslinger and enjoying it.  I also attended a local Beer and Gin Festival, which was fun just for people watching alone. We arrived somewhat later than many of the attendees who were two sheets to the wind by the time we got there. I went with a couple of very good friends and we had a fab time chatting, people watching and then boogying in the live music tent.

Right, tomorrow I will leave you in the capable hands of Aldiss and Bertie. I really am not sure about this. Sigh.

Til next time

Dawn xxx